Sorry it's been so long since I last did a post. Life has just been weird lately. I was in Pennsylvania and Massachusetts over break, and I got back at about five on Monday night. Then school happened and I didn't feel like I had time to do a post. Sorry.
So first a few updates:
1. I (along with two of my friends) started a vlog on youtube. Our channel is TheExDeSquad. You should check it out. I'm Ethan on the vlog, by the way. We all chose to use our male identities, since all three of us has one.
2. I cut and dyed my hair. The cut looks good, the dye looks baaaad. Like really bad. Well okay, no it doesn't. It's just not what I wanted at all, and I'm mad. My sister's friend, Maria, said that most hair salons will re-do it for free if you're disappointed with how it turned out, but I don't know how to ask them to do that. Maybe I'll call them, and maybe I'll bring my sister along for moral support when I actually go. More on that later, probably.
This blog has actually got two main topics, so I'll try to develop each of them thoroughly and individually of each other. Here we go!
Once, when I was a lot younger than I am now, my family went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream performed outside. At the end of the show I remember admitting to my sister that I had thought Puck was hot. She laughed and told me that Puck had been played by a girl. That invoked a lot of firsts in me. Two of them were simultaneous. I realized that a, anyone can be an actor, and b, I wanted to play Puck. The other first isn't important to this story, but I'll tell you anyway. Even though I didn't know it at the time, that was the first indication of my sexuality.
A few years later, I watched Pride and Prejudice (the version with Kiera Knightly). I had the most gigantic crush on Mr. Darcy. That crush was—and still is—the driving force behind my desire to play Elizabeth Bennett.
When I was a freshman, I played the lead male in a show we did, called Scapino. A few years earlier I had read a book called Leap Day. The main character in that book talks about her opinion that no actress can call herself an actress unless she has played Juliet. Somehow my mind combined my ability to play a lead male and "you're not an actress until you've played Juliet" and I ended up with the desire to play Romeo.
So by the end of my freshman year, I had a list of three roles that I dreamed of playing. In the order that the occurred to me, they are:
1. Puck — A Midsummer Night's Dream
2. Elizabeth Bennett — Pride and Prejudice
3. Romeo — Romeo and Juliet
The last show we did my freshman year was A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was so excited I could hardly contain it. I was probably the first person to grab the Puck monologue from the auditions table and I ran off to start working on it right away. By the time auditions came around I was sure I had it.
I don't even remember who my character was. I was one of the actors, the one who played the wall in their performance for the king. Our director gave Puck to a senior from a different school.
I was disappointed, to say the least, but eventually I got over it.
Exactly one year later, my sophomore year we did Pride and Prejudice. I brought Elizabeth's monologue home and worked on it with my dad for the three days until auditions. I gave it my all. We had to prepare two monologues, though, and the other one I had prepared was Lady Catherine. I performed Elizabeth first, then Lady Catherine. When I did the second one, my director told me how much he loved it. I knew I had lost then. I left the room and cried. I'm pretty sure I didn't stop crying until I fell asleep that night. The next day was callbacks day. I checked the callbacks sheet with, for some reason, hope. I wasn't even being considered for Elizabeth.
The only thing that made me feel any kind of hope that day was one boy whom I had never seen before. He was sitting next to me in the callbacks room. He had long, medium brown hair tied back behind his head, and a black shirt that said blowfish on it. I remember him telling me that it looked like it said dafword when you look at it in a mirror. He told me his name. Eli.
Somehow, that day, I feel in love with that boy whom I had never seen before. And somehow, that day, he fell in love with the Junior girl from a different school who ended up cast as Elizabeth. Somehow I wasn't consoled by the fact that she wouldn't even give him the time of day. All I knew was that the same girl had stolen both my second dream and the first boy I had been in love with since The Boyfriend without even lifting a finger.
That was probably the worst.
I haven't seen that girl since then. She was in a Midsummer Night's Dream, too. Since then we've gotten a new director, so she might not know about our shows, but I have a sinking superstition that she'll show up on Monday for auditions.
So there were two factors that played into my depression during that show; the role, and the boy. I should tell you, though, that one of those two factors has been resolved. And since I have not had another chance to audition for Pride and Prejudice, you'll just have to assume that "the boy" is what has been resolved.
So at this point, here's where my list stands.
1. Puck — Failed
2. Elizabeth Bennett — Failed
3. Romeo — n.a.
I'm 0 for 2.
Auditions for Romeo and Juliet are on Monday.
It's bragging time for me, because it will boost my morale.
Our director is planning on gender-bending the cast, but most of the girls are still going to try out for Juliet, so I won't have to compete with them. I know I'm a better actor than most of the guys, so I feel like I've got a pretty good chance.
I also feel like I've got no chance in Hell of landing a lead, because I was Audrey in Little Shop, the show we just did. I also only have half of the monologue memorized. I can't express how nervous I am. I'm literally dying inside. If I don't get this role, there is no God. Well, okay, there is.
There's also a Patron Saint of Acting (St. Eva Marie) and a Patron Saint of Actors (St. Genesius). Just sayin', you guys.
I've exhausted this topic, so now I'll move onto the next.
This one was going to be very angry and annoyed, but now that I've let my feelings stew a little, it's just mostly going to be sad.
I have a friend who just...picks fights. A lot. She's a really great person when she's not mad at you, but when she does get mad, it makes me feel like we'll never speak again. I don't like feeling like that, so I've been trying to figure out a way to get her to stop.
I know how to deal with her. If she's mad, just leave her alone for a few days, and eventually she'll get over it. It's worked every time in the past.
Dealing with her, however, is not the same as getting her to stop the behavior. Eventually she'll find something I did to offend her and get mad at me again.
Sometimes I like to pick songs that describe how I'm feeling, rather than try to explain how I'm feeling myself. The song I'm thinking of for this situation is called "Sassafras Roots", by Green Day.
The first part goes "All brawn and no brains, and all those nice things. Have you finally got what you want; someone to look good with, and light your cigarette? Is this what you really want? I've figured out what you're all about and I don't think I like what I've seen. So I hope I won't be there in the end if you come around."
The song is supposed to be about a boy who used to like a girl, but since she keeps running off with jerks, he's given up on her. To fit my purposes, the boyfriend that the girl keeps running off with is her propensity to pick fights. I don't want to say I hope I won't be there in the end if she comes around, but in fact, that is almost what I want. I can't decide if my desire to be her friend outweighs how unhappy she makes me when she's angry. More on that later, maybe.
For now, I've got to go learn my monologue and hope I do something that Quinn likes.
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